The Process.

We are currently trying to get our lives in some sort of order.  2012 was a year of wonderful ups and some really difficult downs.  Lily is such a joy to us.  She is my big "up."  I have been given more than one opportunity to see what an amazing, inspiring father and husband that Todd is, and that is a huge "up." I hope I tell him enough how much I appreciate, respect and admire him.  *note to self: do that more.*

Our family and some close friends are aware of the turns that the Bickels have taken in 2012, which is one of the reasons that I attempted to go private. Not sure if it worked or not, but we'll see.

I'll do a quick summary of our life, why I haven't been posting and hopefully help myself find the silver lining.

We spend 2012 with Luke getting into a lot of trouble at school.  Like, a LOT of trouble.  Over the course of the year, it escalated to intense proportions, with Luke having some severe anger and aggression issues.  The likes of which I have never, in a million years, ever thought would happen to my sweet little boy.  Well, I suppose it started earlier, the fall of 2011, but it really picked up in 2012.  We did everything we knew "should" work, even though it didn't.  We moved classes, we moved schools . . . 3 schools in one year, in fact.  A different environment,  a different teacher, different kids . . . we had no idea what to do.  Eventually, I was on the phone with the psychology dept through Kaiser.  Luke was diagnosed with a combination of ADHD and ODD, which is a real pip, I can assure you.  Poor Luke. Poor Mom and Dad.  Things were so stressful at home and at school.  I spent the majority of my maternity leave at psychology appointments, Todd and I went to parenting class after parenting class, reading book after book, trying to help my son who didn't understand what was going on with him.  It was like dealing with a 4 year old version of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  We had to change schools, yet again.

The psychiatrist would not medicate Luke due to his young age.  We were so desperate and so angry, we wished for a magic bullet, but were given none.  So we continued to search and hunt for anything that would help.  We were consistent with our discipline and now have strategies that will work for him.  Luke is off food dyes and preservatives/additives, which is making a difference.  We found a new school who provides more outside time.  The difference? Old preschool - 2, 20 minute recesses.  New preschool - 3-4, 45 minute recesses.  They have a gym that they can run around in if it is raining outside.  (Thank goodness)  The teachers are willing to work with us to help find solutions to his anger and resistance. We have found that we can give no leeway.  None.  There is never any relaxing when it comes to discipline or schedule.  We cannot have him play with friends on Sundays.  The whole week will be screwed.  There is a lot of trial and error.  We are exhausted.

We still struggle with his sleep.  We are trying to figure out if he has a sleep disorder.  He wakes up multiple times during the night.  Sometimes he will quietly try to sneak into our room and just stand or sit.  Sometimes he will lay quietly in his bed, completely awake.  He begins most of his days very tired.  This causes issues at school, as his impulse control is lessened when he is tired.  He has a short fuse.

I have spent a lot of time on "Why me?" and lamenting about life not being fair.  I am working on trying to understand the greater meaning of all of this and not being jealous of parents with "neuro-typical" kids.  Maybe I shouldn't be this open about our issues, but I need to get it out.  It is cathartic.  I have been able to help a few students who seem to be struggling with similar issues . . . that is part of my silver lining.  It makes me grateful that Lily is such an easy baby.  God knew I had enough on my plate.  I am blessed to be married to Todd - he is incredible.  And I love my son, with all his challenges, more today than I did yesterday.  And I will love him more tomorrow.

I do not love the judgement from other parents.  That has been a big struggle.  I understand that these parents have no idea what my life is like and what my child is like.  You can tell what they're thinking: "There is no discipline.  They let their child get away with anything.  Why don't they do something about _____________. " Trust me.  I have done it all. And then some.  So I have learned the pain of being judged. I will never EVER judge another parent again.  They don't know what my life is like, and I don't know what their life is like.  Lesson learned.

I pray for guidance and help.  I pray our family will stay strong and work through this.  I am terrified about kindergarten.  I pray to be an advocate for my son, and be diligent in providing the best for him always.  "Why me?" continues to creep in, but I work on having faith that someday I may understand.

So if you have a prayer or two hanging around, I sure could use it.

We are in a better place now, I promise.  It has gotten easier, but it is not easy.  So be patient with us, please. :)