Six Months

So after that terribly dramatic post, it is time for something a little lighter.

Lily is six months old. That's right. Six. Months. Old.

When did that happen?

What is Lily up to now, you ask?

• Eating: sweet potatoes, peas, bananas, avocados and puffs.  She never, ever liked rice cereal.  Bleh. Before solids, she was taking 12 oz as her last nighttime bottle.  She is a tank.  Solids have helped that drop down to 8 oz. 
• Action: sitting like a champ.  Getting ready to crawl. (slow down!) She scoots around the family room backwards and gets into everything.  Lily adores her doorway jumper.  It is difficult getting her in because she starts jumping on the way over.
• Personality: Happy. Happy. Happy.  She is my smiley girl.  When does she get angry? When I come home, say hi and then pass her by.  Do not stick baby in the corner. :)  
• Relationships: Lily loves her big brother and he loves her back.  She is constantly watching him.  Luke knows we get upset when he tries to hoist her up, so he will lay on his back and put her on his tummy.  Then they giggle at each other.  Luke is still working on being gentle, Lily still smiles even when she gets squeezed by her brother.
• Sleeping: We have taken a few steps back.  As Luke's issues with sleeping are a prominent part of our night, we try to prevent Lily from waking him up.  She doesn't cry, but she fusses.  I run in to "plug" her with the binky, but Luke usually wakes up.  Normally, I don't mind if she fusses, but we're working on Luke's sleep right now.  We have started finding her sleeping on her tummy or her side.
• Lovie: Lily has the giraffe equivalent to Luke's Sally (Sleep Sheep) and is enamoured with it.  When we put her to bed, the first thing she does is look for her giraffe.  Then she hugs the heck out of him.  Lily also chews extensively on her Sophie the giraffe. 
• Teeth: Not yet.  I swear she has been teething for like, 3 months.  She chews on everything.  But no, not yet.

It already feels way too fast.  My little girl is just the sweetest thing.  Halfway through the first year? Yikes.  

The Process.

We are currently trying to get our lives in some sort of order.  2012 was a year of wonderful ups and some really difficult downs.  Lily is such a joy to us.  She is my big "up."  I have been given more than one opportunity to see what an amazing, inspiring father and husband that Todd is, and that is a huge "up." I hope I tell him enough how much I appreciate, respect and admire him.  *note to self: do that more.*

Our family and some close friends are aware of the turns that the Bickels have taken in 2012, which is one of the reasons that I attempted to go private. Not sure if it worked or not, but we'll see.

I'll do a quick summary of our life, why I haven't been posting and hopefully help myself find the silver lining.

We spend 2012 with Luke getting into a lot of trouble at school.  Like, a LOT of trouble.  Over the course of the year, it escalated to intense proportions, with Luke having some severe anger and aggression issues.  The likes of which I have never, in a million years, ever thought would happen to my sweet little boy.  Well, I suppose it started earlier, the fall of 2011, but it really picked up in 2012.  We did everything we knew "should" work, even though it didn't.  We moved classes, we moved schools . . . 3 schools in one year, in fact.  A different environment,  a different teacher, different kids . . . we had no idea what to do.  Eventually, I was on the phone with the psychology dept through Kaiser.  Luke was diagnosed with a combination of ADHD and ODD, which is a real pip, I can assure you.  Poor Luke. Poor Mom and Dad.  Things were so stressful at home and at school.  I spent the majority of my maternity leave at psychology appointments, Todd and I went to parenting class after parenting class, reading book after book, trying to help my son who didn't understand what was going on with him.  It was like dealing with a 4 year old version of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  We had to change schools, yet again.

The psychiatrist would not medicate Luke due to his young age.  We were so desperate and so angry, we wished for a magic bullet, but were given none.  So we continued to search and hunt for anything that would help.  We were consistent with our discipline and now have strategies that will work for him.  Luke is off food dyes and preservatives/additives, which is making a difference.  We found a new school who provides more outside time.  The difference? Old preschool - 2, 20 minute recesses.  New preschool - 3-4, 45 minute recesses.  They have a gym that they can run around in if it is raining outside.  (Thank goodness)  The teachers are willing to work with us to help find solutions to his anger and resistance. We have found that we can give no leeway.  None.  There is never any relaxing when it comes to discipline or schedule.  We cannot have him play with friends on Sundays.  The whole week will be screwed.  There is a lot of trial and error.  We are exhausted.

We still struggle with his sleep.  We are trying to figure out if he has a sleep disorder.  He wakes up multiple times during the night.  Sometimes he will quietly try to sneak into our room and just stand or sit.  Sometimes he will lay quietly in his bed, completely awake.  He begins most of his days very tired.  This causes issues at school, as his impulse control is lessened when he is tired.  He has a short fuse.

I have spent a lot of time on "Why me?" and lamenting about life not being fair.  I am working on trying to understand the greater meaning of all of this and not being jealous of parents with "neuro-typical" kids.  Maybe I shouldn't be this open about our issues, but I need to get it out.  It is cathartic.  I have been able to help a few students who seem to be struggling with similar issues . . . that is part of my silver lining.  It makes me grateful that Lily is such an easy baby.  God knew I had enough on my plate.  I am blessed to be married to Todd - he is incredible.  And I love my son, with all his challenges, more today than I did yesterday.  And I will love him more tomorrow.

I do not love the judgement from other parents.  That has been a big struggle.  I understand that these parents have no idea what my life is like and what my child is like.  You can tell what they're thinking: "There is no discipline.  They let their child get away with anything.  Why don't they do something about _____________. " Trust me.  I have done it all. And then some.  So I have learned the pain of being judged. I will never EVER judge another parent again.  They don't know what my life is like, and I don't know what their life is like.  Lesson learned.

I pray for guidance and help.  I pray our family will stay strong and work through this.  I am terrified about kindergarten.  I pray to be an advocate for my son, and be diligent in providing the best for him always.  "Why me?" continues to creep in, but I work on having faith that someday I may understand.

So if you have a prayer or two hanging around, I sure could use it.

We are in a better place now, I promise.  It has gotten easier, but it is not easy.  So be patient with us, please. :)

Getting there.

Four reasons I will post photos soon:

1. Life is slowly getting back on track after the nightmare known as Augustthroughdecember has officially come to a close.
2. I have found my hard drive with photos on it.
3. I have my computer working again.
4. Lily sleeps through the night.

Two reasons that posting photos still might take some time:

1. Luke's birthday party is this weekend and apparently I have to clean the house in preparation. Lame.
2. I am sick. I have been sick for the last few days and have powered through it at work, but I need to go to bed.  After having some tea. 

Have you had Throat Coat tea? It is a well-established teacher tea, as teachers talk all freaking day and have laryngitis often.  I highly recommend it, as it keeps me from coughing all night if I drink it right before bed.  No sleeping in for me!

So Luke turns 5 this week. Bizarre.  I'm still trying to wrap my head around it.  Posts to follow. Promise.

Look, Ma!

Before winter break, I subbed for a bit in a first grade classroom.  I have never taught first grade because, well, they are squirrel-y. Even second grade got to the point of being too squirrel-y.  But I digress.

Anyways, one of the little firsties told me that she saw me in a magazine and I thought she had lost her mind. But I smiled and went along with it.

Then she brought this in today. Hey! I'm in a magazine! I can tell I'm pregnant because I'm wearing a maternity dress and no makeup.  I look tired.

But there I am! Woot!

I guess my little firstie was right.  I really shouldn't underestimate kids, I suppose.

Christmas and New Years posts to come. One of these days.

Thanksgiving

I'm so glad my mother in law is awesome and took pictures, because I took no pictures at Thanksgiving. That's right. My daughter's first Thanksgiving and nothing.  I was busy with other things. 

Lily dressed up in a special outfit from Great-Grandma and Great-Grandpa (which was beautiful) and then had a little photo shoot.  She is such a happy baby - lots of smiles and giggles now.  This is my favorite part of having an infant - they give smiles away like they are worth nothing, but to everyone else, they are worth everything!

The long and the short of it:

• Thanksgiving dinner was delicious and amazing.  
• Baby Lily was sweet and adorable. 
• Luke ran around like his pants were on fire (at least we were outside).  
• All the family stepped in to help Luke run out of energy (he went through at least 6 adults before he got remotely tired).
• Todd and I were given a break. Woo hoo!  Nana drove Luke home so that Todd and I would have some quiet, couple time.  I will call that 30 minute drive a date. Sweet!

And now Christmas is right around the corner.  Tomorrow is my last day before break and I couldn't be more excited to have two weeks at home with my family.  While my job certainly has challenges, I can't beat the two week break for the holidays. 

My Secret Santa GETS me.

Note: My Secret Santa knows me so well.

I came in this morning to find a bottle of homemade Cranberry-Lime Infused Vodka.

It is going to be helpful this Winter Break.

By the way, my Secret Santa is my desk-neighbor, Allison, who clearly listens when I talk about what I like!

Happy Friday, everyone!

So let's be totally honest.  Things have been tough lately.  More difficult than I ever EVER imagined that I would be faced with in my life.  I am sad, angry, frustrated, disheartened and often feel lost.  I am so grateful for my family during all of this.  I'm grateful for work, which has become a bit of an escape.  At some point, I'll go into it a little more (a cathartic experiment, I suppose) which is why the blog will soon be going private.  

Until then, I will be thankful for the little things.  Things like Secret Santa at work.  I'll be the first to admit that I didn't really want to be a part of the Secret Santa exchange - a gift for someone, everyday?!? The cost, the effort, the time?!?! But I wanted to be a "team player" and be a part of it.  Granted, I know the names of the teaching staff, but I haven't gotten to know everyone yet.  So I was hesitant and resistant. But I signed up anyways.

Who knew I would love it? I get something cute on my desk every morning.  It really makes me feel a little special and a little bit of joy every morning.  I don't know who my Secret Santa buddy is, but they know me so well! I love my little seasonal water cups and so today was a Christmas cup with a snowglobe inside. Seriously.  And the "alcoholic" Crystal Light packets -  I swear, the margarita Crystal Light got me through being pregnant during the summer.  I love the little decorations and the bow - it is adorable. 

So I had to share it, because some days, this is all I've got that doesn't include stress, worry and anxiety.

On a side note, if you are interested in receiving a Bickel Christmas card this year, click on the link to the right (Christmas card mailing list) and it will take you to a form to fill out with your info.  If you have moved in the last year or didn't get a Christmas card last year, please let me know your info!